California Pride Justification Essay
A Treatese on the Origin of Coolness
In California everything is extreme. Traffic is extreme. Theme parks are extreme. The news is extreme ‘cause the gangs are extreme. Alternative Rock radio stations are Extreme, Hollywood in general is extreme. The national parks are extreme, the wilderness is extreme, the weed hidden in the wilderness is extreme depths of this wilderness is extreme. Speaking of which, the laws are extreme. The waves are extreme, the weather is actually really nice, in fact extremely nice. Speaking of weather, the ground totally shakes like crazy randomly, which is pretty extreme. Less extreme places don’t have to worry about that. None of this is secret, nothing is modest, nothing about California is humble.
I’m the most humble Californian. Even at maximum California humility, I unavoidably feel superior. Let me clearly and logically explain step-by-step how the geographical superiority of my upbringing led to an inescapably higher level of cultural eliteness.
Growing up I noticed all the latest hip fashion and culture trends came from the East Coast. The first one-strap backpack I had ever seen was worn by a friend who had just returned from New York. The trends I saw hit New York were coming from Europe. Everything from the Beatles to Banksy followed this pattern. The latest European trends were influenced by the exotic Middle East, or India. Anciently rad fabrics came over from China, home of the world’s oldest civilizations. Literally the first societies of people being civilized and cool with each other, the origin therefore of cool. And then you have Japan, the civilization of the future, with tomorrow’s gadgets of the rich already staples of their normal electronic lifestyle.
So you have a pattern here of things getting progressively more cool as you move east. The most generally rad-choice-awesome-groovy-hard places are always further east than you, wherever you go.
What is the one thing further east than even Japan?
CALIFORNIA! California is where coolness comes back around in a feedback-loop of neverending radcycling. Where most of Japan’s favorite gadgets got invented. Where every chip and every computer made in China was first designed. That’s right, deal with it. I can humbly tell you this, fully maintaining my title as humblest Californian, due to having clearly elaborated on the basis of this declaration.
Supplemental Note: Honorable Mention to Korea because as much as I love Apple, I also love Samsung. Also props to Africa, home of Mitochondrial Eve, from whom all living Humans descended. Without what we interpret as Humanity, there would be no concept of Coolness. Quantum mechanics holds that without an observer to quantify the coolness, everything would be infinitely both cool and uncool, which would make everything incomparable and therefore relatively not cool. Except to hipsters or contrarians who would find this ironically cool or rebelliously cool, respectively. Also I would be amiss not to mention, whether most people know it or admit it or not, Black culture has been consistently adopted and copied by every culture, style, group or genre for decades. Speaking of which, an increasing majority of prolifically influential Black entertainers are, or have at one time been, Californian.